20 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life In Just One Day
Revitalizing your sex life with these methods is possible in as little as 24 hours.
How to improve your sex life
If your sex life has fizzled, totally crashed, or morphed into “roommates only” territory after many years together it’s time to make some changes. Getting your groove back and rebooting your sexual intimacy doesn’t have to be a long-term project. Here are little expert-approved strategies for spicing up your sex life in a day.
Put sex at the top of your priority list
Especially when you’re married and have children and your to-do list is filled with work, social commitments, and piles of bills, sex can easily fall low on the totem pole of priorities. But this is one of the biggest sex mistakes couples can make, says Dawn Michael, PhD, clinical sexologist, relationship expert and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me. “When couples don’t make sex a priority, it falls behind everything else—but when sex becomes a priority for both people, each person takes responsibility to initiate it.” It’s important to establishing intimacy, and sex could even help you live longer. Make a pact that you’ll both be more willing and open to improving your sex life. “When you each know the other is on board, you’ll be less intimidated to initiate and more willing to accept your partner’s sexual advances,” says Claudia Six, PhD, clinical sexologist, relationship coach, and author of Erotic Integrity: How To Be True To Yourself Sexually. This also indicates that you’re not just waiting for the other person to go first—you’re in it together. Here’s more from experts on why sex is important in a relationship.
Spend ten minutes kissing with all your clothes on
When we first start dating someone new, we typically start by holding hands and then move to kissing. But, sadly, kissing slowly goes away as the relationship continues and life becomes more hectic. “When we kiss, specifically with our clothes on, it reminds us what we truly love and are attracted to about our partner and is one of the best things we can do to keep the spark alive,” says Rudi Rahbar, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist. A good place to start is by letting yourselves linger over a six-second kiss when you say goodbye in the morning. “This will give you food for thought throughout the day,” suggests Deb Castaldo, PhD, couples and marriage therapist and author of Relationship REBOOT: Tech Support for Love.
Compliment each other often
There’s nothing better than feeling loved and knowing that our partner is attracted to us—and the best way to achieve this is by complimenting one another. “This reminds us that our partner continues to find us attractive, even when we might not feel our best. It helps us feel wanted,” says Dr. Rahbar. This reboots warm feelings and minimizes conflict and criticism. Start by telling each other things you appreciate about the other person. This will build a cooperative atmosphere and encourage you both to be more open and willing to explore in the bedroom.
Turn off all electronic devices
In our tech-savvy world, staying connected is more important than ever, for both our professional and personal lives. But becoming too dependent on our phones, computers, and tablets can be sexual sabotage when it comes to maintaining intimacy with our partner. “Devices have become such a ubiquitous part of daily life that people think nothing of interrupting sexy time to respond to a text or email,” says Dr. Six. “But there’s nothing that can’t wait until you’re done romancing each other, so turn off phones and computers or leave them out of the bedroom completely so you can fully focus on satisfying one another.”
Make your bedroom a sacred space
When you look around your bedroom, does it feel like a place you can let go of your stress? Or is there unfolded laundry in the corner, bills piled on the nightstand, and toys under the bed? “It will be difficult for you and your partner to get in the mood for carefree, intimate, connective sex when you’re constantly reminded of your other responsibilities,” says Celeste Holbrook, PhD, sexual health consultant. “Most of us tend to let our bedroom be the catch-all for rotating clutter, however, treating your bedroom like a sacred space to connect with your partner will immediately lift you into a sensual mindset.” Start by cleaning off all the countertops and moving any laundry, toys, or other items off the floor and into other rooms. This way, you’re both released from the burden of your responsibilities—at least until after sexy time.
Don’t let rejection be an option for either of you
Sure, there will be days when one or both of you are not in the mood, and that’s fine! But rejecting your partner on a consistent basis for no real reason can be taken offensively by the other partner. “Continued rejection is not healthy for the relationship and, if it happens too often, your partner may become angry and withdrawn,” warns Dr. Michael. Instead, try to remain open to being sexual with each other even when you’re not totally “in the mood.” “Don’t wait for the planets to line up perfectly to have sex. Just do it,” says Dr. Six. “Having sex more frequently tends to make you want to do it more often, so get the ball rolling by saying yes more.”
Stop comparing your sex life to someone else’s
Your sex life is as individual as you are, so holding yourself to someone else’s expectations will always disappoint you. This includes the sex you see on TV, the Internet, or in the stories your friends tell you. “Aim to make your sex life with your partner the most perfect it can be for the two of you,” says Dr. Holbrook. “Don’t judge what you like and don’t like, as these desires are as personal as your fingerprints. Instead, celebrate them!” In other words, give yourself and your partner permission to connect sexually in any way that you want, not just in the ways you think you should.
Switch up your sexual script
Everyone has one: the words or actions you say or do around your partner to indicate that you’re in the mood to have sex. For many, it might be giving a massage, touching lovingly, or simply asking to have sex. Switching up this script can increase arousal because you won’t be checking out mentally due to the same old routine. Remember when you first started dating your partner and your stomach flipped every time you knew you were going to see him or her? You can still harness that same power of anticipation by sending flirty texts or photos during the day. “Giving signals that sex is going to happen and not following through with that only builds anxiety,” says Dr. Holbrook. “Instead, you’ll want to build anticipation by coming up with new and exciting ways of enticing your partner about what will come later.” If sex has cooled down in your relationship, here’s how to rekindle the fire.
Be open to discussing your fantasies
“Fantasies are a normal part of sexuality, and sharing them—either in the real world or imagined—can provide tremendous erotic fuel to your relationship,” says Dr. Castaldo. When you start opening up with your partner about your desires, it makes sex so much more enjoyable for you both. Start by each writing down your dream sexual experience using adjectives, phrases, descriptions, and feelings. After you’re both finished writing, read your lists to each other (or at least the things you feel comfortable reading) and talk about how to make those desires come to fruition. “Remember that fantasy is a language used to describe our deepest emotional desires, so if your partner’s list includes something you’re not comfortable with, think about how you can create the emotions associated with the act,” says Dr. Holbrook. Check out these adult sex toys to start switching things up.
Share the best and worst part of your day
Emotional intimacy is an important skill, but it’s also one that develops over time, not something that we acquire very easily, according to Jenni Skyler, PhD, sex therapist, sexologist, and licensed marriage and family therapist with AdamEve.com. To build your skills, she recommends sharing on a daily basis the best and worst part of your day. “Don’t forget to tell your partner what makes each part best and worst, as the ‘why’ is what gives us meaning and deeper insight into our partner’s brain and heart,” she says.
Have an “unplugged” dinner together
Thanks to work and social media, we’re locked to our electronic devices. Rather than share dinner with your smartphone, Skyler suggests turning off your screens. “Without having the barrier of email, text, and social media, there are enhanced opportunities to connect on all levels, to include greater eye contact, meaningful conversation, and the peace to slowly enjoy the pleasure of your food,” she says.
Create a “turn-ons” list
While it can feel “silly” to talk about things like “turn-ons” and “turn-offs,” being able to communicate your wants and needs in the bedroom is paramount to your sexual satisfaction, according to Susan Kaye, PhD, sexologist and sexuality educator. She recommends that each of you, separately and in private, write a list of things that turn you on one side of a sheet of paper. “Make sure that these are both sexual and sensual,” she says. Compliment your partner’s body, for example, Kaye says, but also say something like “I love sitting on the deck with you and a glass of wine.” “Writing a list of what inspires you about being in this relationship gives you the opportunity to generate a connection at a deeper level,” says Kaye. (Here’s how to overcome 10 common obstacles to a healthy sex life.)
Carve out five minutes of intimacy first thing in the a.m.
You might be tired, cranky, and not feeling particularly “sexy” first thing in the morning. But especially when you and your partner both have busy schedules, says Kaye, it’s important to take a few minutes of time together upon waking. “Start the morning lying in bed facing each other sharing short sentences to set the stage for a slow, simmering desire that builds until you are in each other’s arms,” she says.
Use your senses
We actually have six senses that keep us vital and sexually engaged, says Kaye: smell, taste, touch, sight, hearing, and the exchange of energy. “If we are not aware of how to use them, then we become dull and desensitized to the joys that surround us and lie within our body,” she says. She recommends picking six consecutive days where you choose one sense to play and create erotic fun with each day. For example, for sight, play a favorite love song and gaze into each other’s eyes; for touch, give each other a full body massage. “You can do these exercises as many times as you choose throughout the day to build desire, anticipation, and lust,” she adds.
Appreciate your partner’s body
You know you’re attracted to your partner, but what exactly about his or her physical appearance are you attracted to? He or she should know this information—it will not only boost his or her self esteem but enhance the chemistry the two of you share. “It doesn’t matter who begins, but take turns appreciating the wonderful parts of each other’s body,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, certified sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want. “It might be that you love their skin, the shape of their chest or their butt—just be specific and don’t be afraid to use real language.”
Pay attention to when your partner walks into the room
All of us have walked into a room and felt the heads turn. It feels good, which is why Kaye suggests prioritizing the act of giving your partner attention whenever he or she enters the room. “You can make it a fun game, taking turns as to who will be the giver of attention, and who will be the receiver,” she says. You can choose to switch or have one day just solely focusing attention on one partner at a time.
Find a new place in the house to have sex
The bed might be the most comfortable place to have sex, but Dr. Nelson suggests getting out of your comfort zone to make sex great again by finding a new spot, like the laundry room, shower, or basement. “The benefit of doing it in a strange place in the house is the memory of doing it somewhere new,” she says. “You can even draw on the memory later, as it will be added into your repertoire of sexual escapades. Plus, it helps you acknowledge your partner as someone who is willing to try something new and be a little more adventurous.”
Bring something kinky into bed
“Kink doesn’t have to mean leather harnesses and whips—it can be something slightly out of the ordinary for both of you or simply taking on a more dominant or more submissive role just one time,” says Dr. Nelson. “See what turns you on more, and then see what role turns your partner on. Do they like being tied up or do they prefer tying you up?” She reminds couples to switch things up each time so that it always feels fresh, new, and exciting. (Here are 20 sex myths most people still believe.)
Remove the word “no” from your vocabulary
There will always be times when you’re simply not in the mood to have sex, be it because you’re stressed, tired, angry, or simply just not feeling it—and that’s OK. However, rather than saying the word “no” to your partner, Skyler suggests switching up your language to something a little less rejecting, like offering a raincheck. “The raincheck is a statement of gratitude for the invitation, followed by an explanation of what you might need before getting erotic,” she says. “For example, you might need a good night’s sleep, a glass of wine in the bath to decompress, or a date night out to emotionally reconnect.”
Challenge yourself to be the best partner you can be
“When we end up settling or accepting mediocrity in ourselves or our partners, we end up feeling resigned, resentful, and eventually indifferent,” says Skyler. “Instead, if we challenge ourselves and our partners to be the best we can be, we reap the rewards of respect, which becomes the antidote to relationship mediocrity, and ultimately the aphrodisiac of life.”
- Dawn Michael, PhD, clinical sexologist, relationship expert and author of My Husband Wont Have Sex With Me
- Claudia Six, PhD, clinical sexologist, relationship coach, and author of Erotic Integrity: How To Be True To Yourself Sexually
- Rudi Rahbar, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist
- Deb Castaldo, PhD, couples and marriage therapist and author of Relationship REBOOT: Tech Support for Love
- Celeste Holbrook, PhD, sexual health consultant
- Jenni Skyler, PhD, sex therapist, sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist with AdamEve.com
- Susan Kaye, PhD, sexologist and sexuality educator
- Tammy Nelson, PhD, certified sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want