Don't be too hard on yourself—new research says a low sex drive could be due to this simple reason.
This Is the Real Reason People Lose Interest in Sex, Says a Sex Therapist
About the expert
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Highlights
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So, your sex drive just took a serious nosedive—or maybe a small catnap. But there’s not necessarily a huge reason to worry. Low libido is extremely common, says Viviana Coles, DMFT, LMFT, CST, a doctor of marriage & family therapy and certified sex therapist. “Nearly everyone will experience periods of lower sexual desire at some point in their life.”
Libido is not a fixed trait, she notes—it naturally fluctuates based on many factors. “I often remind people that low desire is not a diagnosis, it is information,” Dr. Coles says. “It tells us something in their internal world or relationship needs attention.”
Plus, according to research, one surprisingly common reason people experience a dip in their sex drive may be as simple as how long they’ve been shacking up.
The link between relationship length and sex drive
A study published in BMJ Open analyzed data from a two-year survey examining people’s sex lives. Researchers reviewed responses from 4,839 men and 6,669 women between the ages of 16 and 74 who had at least one sexual partner in the past year.
After crunching the numbers, some clear patterns emerged. Overall, 15% of men and over 34% of women reported a lack of interest in sex. Several factors were associated with a lower sex drive in both men and women, including age, sexual history, and physical and mental health. For women in particular, however, a lack of interest in sex was more common among those who reported being in a long-term relationship for at least one year.
Makes sense, right? Long-term relationships provide plenty of perks, including security, support, and simple companionship. But once the “honeymoon phase” dies down, sex can often go by the wayside.
“This is very common in long-term relationships,” Dr. Coles says. “Predictability can quietly dampen desire, especially when intimacy becomes rushed, scheduled only late at night, or disconnected from emotional closeness during the day.”
How to rekindle desire in a long-term relationship, according to a sex therapist
“When couples stop flirting, touching, or engaging in playful connection outside the bedroom, sex can start to feel like another task rather than something to look forward to,” Dr. Coles says. “Desire thrives on anticipation, novelty, and feeling wanted.”
That’s why she recommends first focusing on rebuilding connections in everyday life. “This includes affectionate touch without pressure, meaningful conversations, and what I call pillow talk—the sensual and emotional connection that happens between sexual encounters, so intimacy doesn’t feel like it comes out of nowhere,” she says.
She also encourages couples to understand each other’s intimacy patterns, a topic she’s researched and explores in her book The 4 Intimacy Styles: The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy.
“People experience desire differently, and mismatches are incredibly common,” she says. But that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible—it’s a call to better understand each other’s preferences to bridge the gap between emotional closeness and physical connection. “When couples learn how they each naturally give and receive intimacy, they stop fighting desire and start working with it.”
And there’s one thing she says is especially important to avoid: placing blame. “Low desire does not mean something is wrong with you or your partner,” she emphasizes.
What else causes a drop in desire?
“Low libido is complex because it is rarely about sex alone,” Dr. Coles says. Desire can be influenced by a range of factors, including:
- Biological factors, such as hormones, medications, or health conditions.
- Psychological factors, including stress, anxiety, or past experiences.
- Relationship factors, like resentment, disconnection, or feeling unappreciated.
- Personal issues, such as body image concerns.
“Many people want a simple fix, but sustainable change usually requires understanding which layers are contributing,” she explains. “That complexity is also why comparing desire levels between partners often creates more tension instead of solutions.”
Still, because so many factors can contribute to low libido, Dr. Coles also recommends checking in with your doctor if you experience sudden or unexplained changes—along with taking an honest look at potential emotional and relational factors. “Addressing low libido works best when physical health, mental well-being, and relationship dynamics are all part of the conversation.”
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