Whether you’re with a new partner or the love of your life, avoiding common sex mistakes will keep you both happier, in and out of bed.
14 Things You Should Never, Ever Do in Bed
About the experts
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Highlights
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A growing body of research links sex to better wellbeing, including lower levels of depression and anxiety, greater life satisfaction, and even improved physical health, according to a 2024 review of research published in the Bulletin of the World Health Organization. In fact, sex may even slow down aging. But the science makes one thing clear: the real benefits come from sexual pleasure, not just the act itself.
Yet experts say that enjoyable sex doesn’t come down to your skillset as much as it’s about openness and honesty between partners. Below, they share the most common mood-killers and bedroom mistakes that can leave you or your partner lacking—and what to do instead.
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Don’t assume you have all the right moves
It’s impossible to know your partner’s desires right off the bat. “Everyone has personal preferences,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, MPH, MA, a board-certified sexologist and author. Communication is critical to all aspects of the relationship, and by working to understand what your partner prefers, you’ll be building a more fulfilling physical and emotional relationship.
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Don’t make it a negative space
Many couples end up airing grievances before bed, says Dr. Brame, often because it’s the first opportunity they have to talk in private. But bringing anger or resentment into the bedroom can turn a space meant for pleasure into a battleground. If conflict escalates, it may even lead to one partner withholding sex as a form of punishment.
If you’re upset, Dr. Brame advises working it out in another room or saving the conversation for tomorrow. “Going to sleep angry once won’t end your relationship,” she says. “What can change your sex life and the glue within a relationship is when you associate the bedroom with negative experiences.”
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Don’t be shy about sharing your fantasies
“So many women and men are focused on the sex or foreplay they’re not getting instead of talking about what they want,” says psychotherapist and sexuality counselor Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, author of She Comes First. The key is to express your desires in a constructive, inviting way. Dr. Kerner suggests saying something like, “Here’s something that would drive me wild…” The language you use can be as arousing as the act, he says.
And if you’re itching to explore your own version of 50 Shades of Grey, say so. “The woman or man who really loves you is going to listen,” says Dr. Brame. Still, neither partner should push for anything that’s outside their comfort zone. Trying something new should be exciting, not unsafe or uncomfortable.
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Don’t fake it
If things fall flat, be honest, Dr. Kerner advises. The anti-climax can be an opportunity to discover how to make things more satisfying for both partners next time. “Allow your differences to prompt conversations about what’s working and what’s not,” he says.
On the flip side, if you’re worried that your partner might be putting on a show for your benefit, bring it up—there’s no need for either of you to feel embarrassed. “If you genuinely think they faked it, make it clear that you don’t expect that they will have an orgasm every single time, and that’s totally OK,” says sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox, author of Hot Sex: How to Do It.
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Don’t feel pressured to have sex
It’s a common myth that couples who have sex several times a week are automatically happier. While having a regular sex life can strengthen your bond, ticking it off like a to-do list item doesn’t necessarily improve well-being.
If you start to feel pressure to have sex but you’re not in the mood, Dr. Kerner suggests showing intimacy in other ways: “Take 15 minutes to make out, give massages, take a shower together. Appreciate being physical without the pressure of sex.”
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Don’t get hung up on the big O
Treating an orgasm as the ultimate goal can take away from the overall experience, especially with new partners. “Many women who are having casual sex or are having sex for the first time don’t necessarily orgasm,” says Dr. Kerner. “That doesn’t mean anything’s wrong.”
And there’s nothing more likely to delay someone having an orgasm than continually asking if they’ve had one. “Hurrying someone toward orgasm accomplishes completely the opposite psychologically,” Cox says.
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Don’t bring your workday stresses to bed
Whether it’s a difficult project at work or tension with a friend, leave outside stressors at the bedroom door. Studies have shown that people—especially women—need to have a quiet mind to experience arousal, according to Dr. Kerner.
But that doesn’t mean sex is off the table whenever you’re busy. “Arousal tends to be louder than anxiety,” she assures. “If you give arousal a chance, that can be helpful.” She adds that fantasy can be a helpful way to detach from the events of the day and bring your focus back to the moment with your partner.
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Don’t be a critic
Notice new laugh lines or a little extra weight? A steamy moment is definitely not the time to bring it up. “Body confidence issues affect both sexes, and never are we more vulnerable than when we’re naked in bed,” Cox says. Low self-esteem can contribute to sexual dysfunction for women, according to Dr. Brame, and more than 90% of men worry about their penis size, adds Cox.
The takeaway? You’re going to have a better time in bed when you make each other feel sexy and comfortable.
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Don’t bring up your ex
No one wants to hear about your prior sexcapades while on a date—especially when things are heating up—even if you think it shows off your skills. Besides, everyone’s sexual preferences are different, so what worked with an old partner isn’t guaranteed to delight a new one. And even if it does, imagining your partner with someone else is rarely enjoyable.
“We all like to think that our partners were delivered to us in zip-top plastic bags, untouched by others,” Cox says. “Positive sexual talk of exes destroys all of this.”
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Don’t let it hurt
“Some people assume sex is a little or a lot painful,” says Dr. Kerner. “That’s not true.” Pain during sex usually signals an issue—whether it’s a problem with arousal, lubrication, hormonal changes during perimenopause or menopause, an awkward position, or lack of communication.
If something doesn’t feel right, speak to your partner and don’t hesitate to add more foreplay or lubrication. And talk to your doctor if the problem persists. It could be a symptom of an infection or other medical issue.
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Don’t feel guilty about imagining someone else
“Having a fantasy playing in your head is a normal and quite effective way to perk up sex with someone you’ve slept with many, many times before,” Cox says. Fantasies can be a tool to boost arousal or add some spice, and there’s no reason to feel ashamed if you’re picturing a celebrity, an attractive coworker, or a stranger you saw on the bus.
Sexual fantasies are normal and perfectly acceptable—as long as you don’t judge yourself for them or feel guilty. Cox points to research showing that self-criticism around fantasies can lead to relationship problems and lower sexual satisfaction.
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…But don’t call out the wrong name
This may seem obvious, but be careful not to let fantasy intrude on reality. “Blurting out the wrong name in the heat of the moment will guarantee a big row rather than a big O,” Cox says. Whether it’s a slip of the tongue or hints at a deeper desire, it’s not going to make your partner feel comfortable or special.
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Don’t stress over performance problems
“Every adult male is going to experience episodic impotence at some point,” says Dr. Brame. “It’s meaningless.” It can result from circulation problems, too much alcohol, exhaustion, or just a tough day at work—and it has nothing to do with how he feels about his partner.
In fact, Dr. Brame says pointing it out can actually make things worse. “If you start insulting your man, what might be a one-time thing can start developing into a chronic problem because he’s being criticized when he’s at his most vulnerable.”
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Ignore the pings and dings
It may seem like an obvious mood-killer, but some people still reach for their phones during sex. Pausing to answer a call or text not only disrupts the rhythm and momentum—it also signals to your partner that they aren’t your top priority. “Interrupting sex to get on your smartphone effectively says, ‘This is far more interesting to me than having sex with you,’” Cox says.
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Sources
- Gloria Brame, PhD, a sexologist
- Ian Kerner, PhD, psychotherapist, sexuality counselor, and author of She Comes First
- Tracey Cox, sex and relationship expert, author of Hot Sex: How to Do It
Medically reviewed by
