How Long Should Sex Last? Here’s What Sex Therapists Say

When it comes to sex, insecurities are common. After all, sex is intimate, and that vulnerability can spark a lot of second-guessing: when’s best to have sex, how often, and how long should it last? 

But experts say the word “should” is where the trouble starts. This term alone can add a level of shame or self-criticism to an experience that’s meant to be pleasurable and connective. That’s why sex therapists have a lot to say about setting a clock for sex—and if there’s a “correct” amount of time to aim for. Ahead, four experts share their insights, including how to gauge quality sex.

What counts as sex?

First off, it’s important to understand that there’s no one definition for sex. It can be with yourself, a partner, or multiple partners, says sex therapist Douglas Braun-Harvey, MFT, CGP, cofounder of The Harvey Institute.

There’s also no single measure for when sex “begins” and “ends.” Some people say the starting line is at penetration, while others go by foreplay. Some agree sex ends with an orgasm, but others may count cuddling. There’s no right or wrong answer. 

Still, sex therapist Sari Cooper, LCSW, CST, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says that, generally, most people think of sex as a penetrative act that ends in one or two partners coming to orgasm. 

“The term sex is not helpful here, as it is most frequently hetero-male focused and may not include sexual scenarios that don’t include orgasms,” she says. “Many studies leave out a large range of sexual acts and folks who identify with different orientations.”

When working with clients, Cooper treats “sex” as a broad umbrella term that includes many erotic and sexual experiences that don’t always involve orgasms. Thinking of sex in this way encourages people to feel more confident about their desires, she says. 

Why a climax isn’t a reliable finish line

There’s an inherent problem with using orgasm as a sexual finish line, says Cooper. If duration is measured by one partner’s orgasm, it overlooks the time another partner may need. Consider heterosexual partners: A man and a woman may not reach orgasm at the same time.

According to Cooper, some studies say the median time it takes people with penises to reach orgasm through vaginal penetration is about five to six minutes. And of the few studies that explore orgasm timing for people with vaginas, one found it took an average of 13.4 minutes in an erotic scenario. 

Focusing on orgasm timing also dismisses those who don’t orgasm every time or who don’t climax at all, which is more common than people may realize, says licensed psychologist Rachel Needle, PsyD, the director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.

So, how long should sex last?

The consensus among sex therapists is that there’s no absolute or standard time range. In fact, placing too much emphasis on duration can actually undermine physical intimacy, Braun-Harvey says, as it “focuses on a standard that leads to less pleasure and less connection with oneself or partner.” 

Sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, CST, agrees, adding that sex should last as long as both parties are consenting and enjoying it—and that may range from a matter of minutes to a number of hours.

That said, Needle notes that between five and 20 minutes is what most people find desirable, but your preference can depend on different, individualized factors. 

What determines your preference?

Many factors can influence how long someone wants sex to last, including age, sexual orientation, sexual function, medical conditions, sexual goals, and context. 

“A Canadian study, for example, found that female same-sex couples reported much longer durations during individual sexual encounters than men and women in mixed-sex or male same-sex relationships,” Cooper says.

Other research and clinical experience suggest women in mixed-sex couples may need more time to feel sexually satisfied, she adds. 

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there’s a lot of wiggle room when it comes to what someone considers a satisfying sexual encounter, including preferred duration.  

The benefits of a “quickie” vs. slow sex

Plenty of people enjoy brief sexual encounters, colloquially called “quickies,” and sometimes for different reasons, Needle says. One draw is that quickies can be fun, intense, and exciting—and they’re a reminder that good sex doesn’t require an all-night commitment. 

“For those who are pressed for time, quickies can be great to stay physically connected and have more sex,” she says. “Sex of a longer duration can sometimes be exhausting physically and emotionally.”

Quickies can also help break up your regular sex routine, boosting excitement and sexual energy. In fact, Needle says having quickies as part of your sexual repertoire can be good for your sex life and for a healthy relationship.

Others enjoy quickies because they’re an easy way to connect with a partner without pressure, Cooper says. “Some male clients have expressed their need to have quickies because they’re concerned about keeping their erections or they’ve had a problem with premature [uncontrolled] ejaculation.”

But if quickies aren’t your style, that’s OK. 

“Some people take a long while to release the stressors of their lives and need a long warm-up time to become turned on and physically aroused, so they prefer longer, sensual outercourse [as opposed to intercourse] sessions,” Cooper says.

What’s actually important for quality sex

Understanding more about what you (and your partner) need for sexual satisfaction is key for high-quality sex. For instance, Cooper works with her clients to understand how stress and anxiety affect their sex lives to learn ways to lower those barriers. 

“Once partners are more relaxed, they’re more able to communicate their desires without expressing or hearing judgement, rejection, or criticism,” she says. “It allows partners to expand their sexual menu to include experiences that they each find pleasurable.”

Plus, if you can get out of your own head, you’ll be able to read and enjoy your partner’s sexual signals and stimulation, Cooper adds. Open, ongoing communication about your and your partner’s desires, needs, and pleasures leads to far more satisfying sex than trying to control how long it lasts. 

“My top tip for couples or singles is to remove the term ‘should’ from their vocabulary and begin to describe how they want to feel before, during, and after an experience,” Cooper says. “For example, ‘I want to feel so desired and pursued that you’re willing to take your time and seduce me slowly for the three days before our next intimacy date.’”

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